back?

soooo. I should probably get back into the blogging gig. A lot has gone down since the last time I was on here... I'm incredibly involved in catching up with the Gilmore Girls and plan to watch the entire 7 seasons in one day... nothing's impossibe.

Sorry.

That sharpie thing made me pretty upset.
I've been distracted lately.

The Almighty Sharpie...

Sharpie markers are incredibly under-rated.
I can't even begin to explain how important these marker-pens are to me.. I sincerely wish, from the bottom of my heart, that I had an unlimited supply of them. I use these things for everything...
art, love letters, graffiti, school work, vandalizing things, fake tattoos/facial hair, signing autographs, sniffing, writing on people when they fall asleep, touching up paint/colour on such things as: walls, cars, paintings, moldy food, movie/dvd covers, children, floor tiles etc. I'm usually never without at least one sharpie maker(preferably black)

Recently I've been feeling as though there is something missing in my life, and today - after searching high and low, near and far I realized...the part of me that is missing, is my black sharpie marker :(
Please don't be fooled by the fking shoupie....:

The Sharpie is bottom/left... The Shoupie is top/right..... could YOU tell the difference?

small mistake, big consequences

I have a lot more to say, but I'm getting too worked up... so just check out this page if you need more info: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sharpie_(marker)
and I suggest you do...

from my brain to yours..

contradicting everything.

IF nothing is impossble, then how is thinking of something that is in fact impossible, possible?

Doesn't the act of 'thinking of an impossible something' in itself count as an impossibility?

scare the kids...

So I have a 7 year old niece, and I sometimes find myself being forced to watch kids shows. I came close to shitting my pants when I saw some of the characters on these new shows... creepy man... anyways it brought me to think of how contradicting everything is when it comes to teaching kids good vS. evil...or something like that...especially when I was a kid...

Some [very few, but extreme] Examples:

Dinosaurs:

When we are kids we learn:

BJ, Baby-Bop&the ever popular Barney: "when he's tall he's what we call a dinosaur sensation"... these friendly dinosaurs teaches us everything we need to know about sharing, caring, treating people equally, loving eachother, and cleaning up after ourselves...
Dino: The Flinstones friendly family pet... rub his belly& play fetch... no big deal...

Dudley the Dragon: "Laughin' or sining' or playin' a game, if you're lookin' for adventure call out his name" this guy makes flying happen...

So... hanging out with dinosaurs is not only educational, loving, entertaining, and full of adventure... but they're all cute, cuddley and magic ... why the hell wouldn't you want to hang out with a dinosaur?

As we grow up we learn:
These guys were nothing short of fking psychopaths... your dumb life wouldn't have a chance next to even the smallest of these crazy reptiles. They ran around the earth killing eachother for fun, bringing a whole new meaning to survival of the fittest. They'd tear you to shreds if they found you in their territory[and they would eventually find you no matter where you tried to hide...even you survivorMan] I dare you to go back in time and jump on a dinosaurs back& ask for a free ride, or toss him a bone to fetch.

Dolls:

When we are kids we learn:

Cabbage patch kids, Baby-so-real, Oopsy-daisey doll etc.: These fantastic minature plastic humans are perfect companions! They will keep you company when you're alone, give your life a sense of meaning, and even subconciously prepare young children for the delight/terror of parenthood in the future...

As we grown up we learn:
WTF were are parents thinking giving us these crazy things? Personally, as a child I was never fooled by these freaky human-like "toys" I saw right through their painted cheeks and glass eyes [always staring at you all wide-eyed]... other kids needed proof though I think this picture about sums it up:

Every movie I have ever seen involving any sort of doll, was about dolls murdering people... sure a lot of them spared their true owners life - but would you really be willing to take that risk? NOT me buddy.
After seeing movies such as "Chucky", and "Dolls" I was pissed off at my Mom for even trying to give me one of these blood thirsty mini-convicts. Don't even get me started on the people that collect those creepy looking china dolls that just stare through you all the time.

THEN THERE IS THE OH SO POPULAR

Clowns: FML
I'm not even going to bother dividing this one into "When we're young... and As we get older" I'm just going to flat out say it:
Why on EARTH would a loving parent EVER invite one of these crazy assholes to their kids birthday party? Did you want to tramatize your child for the rest of their god-forsaken lives? Clowns have never been appealing to anybody... and if you're sitting their thinking to yourself "Hey, I really like clowns" then I'm willing to BET that you've commited at least 3 crimes in your life... put even the best-looking of humans in a clown suit and they're sure to frighten even themselves.
As if the idea of a clown isn't scary enough to begin with... they paint their faces all sad, or surprised - common - you're trying to be FUNNY aren't you... I mean isn't that the whole idea? Paint on a fking happy face, and you'll see a kid smile instead of run away for once in your sick freaky clown life.... clowns scare the ever-lasting shit out of me so I don't want to talk about them anymore... here's a visual.

Why so Serious? cause..

THAT SHIT IS NOT FUNNY...IT'S SCARY MAN

SO as if growing up isn't hard enough already ... parents AND the media are teaching us to love these things when in reality they are all crazy-psycho-killers.... who can we BELIEVE in this world? I didn't even discuss Disneys point of view... I'll save THAT for another day... for now I'm just trying to forgive my parents for what they've done. It's awfully hard to sleep in this room with my cabbage patch doll, barney action figure& clown wallpaper.

//x

if all dreams have meaning...

I attempt to wake up from a horrid dream of someone following me creepily and quietly for reasons unknown. Screaming and kicking it seemed as though I'd never wake; struggling to do so but wanting to so bad...I knew it was a dream, and with that information I knew that I should wake up at any second.
Finally I was coming to life, I woke myself squeezing my pillow- startled, and unable to comprehend where I was or who I was with"what's with you" I heard an unsuspected familiar voice question, "you're kicking and screaming, and clenching onto anything in reach." With my left hand I reached over to feel the face of who was talking - hoping that I would be wrong with my assumption...unfortunately I was all too right. It was a voice of whom I had loved in the past, but never expected to hear again [at least not while in my peaceful bed, in my peaceful new life] I couldn't make sense of things, and it certainly didn't help that my brain was still half asleep.
With my left hand still resting on his [for namesake lets call him...imbecile] I went through things quickly in my head Maybe the last 2mths of my life had been a dream, and this is real life - the way things should be...maybe I've been with him this whole time, and everything else was a bad dream. After trying to put the pieces together -having no luck in doing so- I stretched my tired and confused body - reaching all the way across the bed with my right hand I felt something impossible... with a handful of familiar fur my first thought was this apartment doesn't allow dogs, especially giant collie-shepherds - this can't be true I quickly snapped back to reality... my family dog Jasmine! I started crying immediately "Jasmine" I whispered - and I heard the big friendly dog wake in a heartbeat at the sound of my voice. "No, no, no, this can't be" I started crying, screaming this time, in disbelief. "What is your problem tonight, you're acting crazy, stop crying it was just a dream" stated Imbecile, "Go back to sleep." Was he serious? I thought to myself could it be that I actually was going crazy? I jumped out of bed and looked around the room, pinching myself to ensure that this was in fact reality that I had woken up to. It HAD to be a dream, or maybe I was just hallucinating. Yes, that's it, I was still exhausted from my restless sleep... I was just imagining Jasmine there, the dog that had been put down last summer [may she rest in peace] I knew that was true, because it hurt me so deep hearing the news of having to put down the most innocent of lives...that was something that had to be real. I tried to convince myself once more that Jasmine was not in fact real, but it was still to dark to see clearly. With my voice trembling I called her name and patted my leg, waiting for the dog -that couldn't possibly be there- to run to my side. Sure enough, she came galloping over. I screamed again. I tried to remember a conversation that my roommate Tyler and I had had a few weeks ago, I remember agreeing that in dreams, when trying to punch something - it was almost always impossible for me to make full contact...I began punching myself, as hard as I couldn... I wasn't making contact... so that settled it! I was dreaming!! Thank goodness...now how do I wake up? I ran out of my room looking for someone, anyone who could wake me from this terrible dream, it wouldn't be so terrible if it wasn't for the fact that I had already awakened from the previous nightmare...wasn't I already conscious? Why couldn't I remember going to sleep? Where was I? Why couldn't I remember anything? Nothing was real. Everything that was happening was completely against everything that was real.
Finally I snapped back into reality, I woke up in my bed -alone this time- lights off, with my door wide open...wait, the door was open. I never turn out the lights but leave the door open... was part of this real? Had I woke up, walked out of my room and then came back to bed? I must have been hallucinating, or sleep walking... there had to have been some explanation! Why could I still not remember going to sleep? Or maybe it wasn't a hallucination, maybe Imbecile was letting Jasmine out.... "Jasmine?" I whispered... no response. Good. This meant that I was awake again, finally. I tried to get back to sleep despite the two previous disturbances in my rest.It was then that I felt it, a somewhat large body had jumped on my back... the same body that had been in my first nightmare following me, trying to kill me? But I hadn't done anything! I couldn't decipher what was real and what was a dream anymore. I had waken up too many times for this to be another dream.. hadn't I? I had to at least try to wake up... but I couldn't... I couldn't even move. There was a giant body on me, I was unable to see who it was or what it was planning on doing... I could feel it though. "Why did you leave me, why did you leave me to die" asked the unfamiliar males voice, "now it's your turn" So this is it I thought to myself... I could feel the stranger lift his arm as if he was about to hit me..or worse.. I caught a glimpse of the knife. At least I had my back to him, and I wouldn't be able to see what was coming....his hand came down...
My eyes opened.
I was alive.
My memory was back.
I was fully aware or what was going on, and where I was.
....and I was extremely afraid to fall asleep again.

I feel like I had to get this dream out (while I still remember it), because it might have been the weirdest one I have ever had... now maybe this line of weird dreams has come from reading the ever so popular "Twilight Saga" but still, in the past I've been able to make sense of most of my dreams, or at least enjoy them enough to not have to make sense of them... This one seemed all to real, and I had to wake up 3 or 4 times before I was finally back in my own life... this freaks me out. How can we be so conscious and aware of whats going on, yet completely out of control of our own imaginations? Dreams are fantastic... even this one -though it was creepy as hell, and more nightmarish than dreamlike- One day I'll rant about dreams, because they creep me out, leave me confused, mystified, and excited all at the same time... what do they MEAN!?!!?

WordsForYou;[but thats all you can have]

wait...

[[[things started so sudden/they ended so fast
are we afraid of the future or scarred from the past

rearranging everything - changed my life from what I knew following something I felt inside; that seemed too good to be true.

.surprise.

you filled part of me with hope then you clouded it with doubt//
words are finally turning from chaos...yet I still can't quite spit them out.
.get it out.

so many things I'm left wanting to say
hope, guilt, hurt&pride all blocking the way
confusion to no end..still causing so much pain
the hurtful realization that life's still one sick game
hypocrisy-
&clearly-fogged sense of bad direction.
reminding me why these dumb hearts are in need of such protection
what I saw as real&true&bliss-an unsuspected blazing fire.
was the disillusion of nothing at all/false hope&fake desire.

you'll find what you're looking for but no doubt it'll be untrue
someone again will fall in love with what they think is you.
I fell for something/nothing...not sure what part was real
&although the scars are permanent the wounds will always heal.

words&feelings twisted with meaning&it's behind them where I hid.
get it yet? I doubt it... good, me neither - never did

so,like an imprint in the sand washed away by the unsuspected tide. I'll keep the hope&guilt&hurt safely covered with this dumb pride.

I'm asking to be removed from your disarranged bottom shelf
where you remain in perfect harmony with your not so perfect self.

yes.I'll keep on keeping on, permanently on defense... in hopes that maybeeventuallyhopefully someday ............something will make sense.]]]


...im fine..just so you know..things are great